Life is funny. You go are going along and then BAM it hits you. I am older I am WAY older.
Focus on this one: In 1996 around THIS time so that would be 9 years ago. I handed my crush for over a year a letter. It was 2 pages HAND WRITTEN. This was the days before internet, emails and facebook. This was real life. I handed him a letter I had neatly re-printed two pages front & back describing in DETAIL all the things I liked about him. I focused on every detail I could within clean reason. My cousin who was like my editor and cheerleader told me not to mention his hands being tiny because guys would not like me to associate that. Looking back she had a dirty mind and I know what she meant but back then I was a bit more innocent and did not get why his hands being small should matter.
Where is he 9 years later? Last I checked his FB he wont add me I haven't tried to add since Myspace before Facebook when he didn't add me. He is up the coast the west coast. Unmarried. Left his Christian beliefs to be a free thinker and I think he smokes again. He lost weight last I saw and is still without a one. That could be me with him up there. Ha.
At the time that letter didn't mean for me to marry him. Frankly I wanted a boyfriend. I was really in love with this guy. I loved him for 3 full years and then some. After high school in college even some till God broke me of him when I asked. And I stopped liking him. I didn't do that till I was ready.
Now a days when I like a guy I just like him till I grow sick of him. And if THAT doesn't happen then I will end up crushing/loving/the same guy for 15 years like my last one. I finally just found a way to get rid of him.
Like another guy. Yup. Me? Like someone else? My silly heart thought it would find a new love. This is an attraction I have clarified this on my LJ account but liking someone/crushing, loving and attraction while nice together aren't always so.
So I am facing my 36th birthday on Dec 20th. And liking this guy who is way nothing like I normally like. From the fact he is 10 years younger than me, has so many things I would never see attractive before to well the insanity.
I'd like to say this much: the heart knows what it wants. I think my heart wants him.
That doesn't mean anything btw. Because liking someone proof in my last guy is nothing if they don't care for you like that. Although I am 100% positive my last that I finally am letting go did like me at one point but he began letting me go for dumb reasons almost 10 years ago in 2006.
Guys are stupid. But dang it we girls like them and we don't care. And the heart care. Our brain thankfully does not always work well with the heart. I am glad sometimes and sometimes not.
Especially when it doesn't make sense. And sometimes it doesn't.
So facing 36 still single makes me depressed. Even as my mom reminds me she got pregnant the last time when she was my age. Thanks mom 36 pregnant with 3rd kid me having no boyfriend EVER and nowhere near kids if I am having them is really not my cup of tea.
Gray hairs and wrinkles achy bones, and broken hearts. And one crazy attraction. This is what I face in a month...
How is life treating you?