Maybe I wasn't ready and maybe I still am not...

I want to get married and not be single. I want it badly. But honestly am I ready for that? All that?

Back in college I would have bet a million dollars I was ready to get married. I thought I was. I had read the books I had planned the wedding. I had a job I was going to college with a career in mind. I was right with God. Everything to fall in place right? WRONG!

I think looking back that people who say the reason they got married when they did and trying to say that works for everyone is wrong. It’s the same thing for Christian stuff. Saying God worked this way because I did this and that. Really I think everyone is different. And that includes timing on things like marriage and kids. Things that might happen early for some don’t happen that way for others.

My mom was my only example as a teen. I didn’t have anyone else and her ways I thought would work. Tell God the age I wanted to get married by make a wish list of what I want in a husband and God will POOF make him happen. What is God a granting wish guy from a lamp? Is God my fairy godmother 3 wishes? No God isn’t like that.

What my mom didn’t tell me was that there are several people out there that will be the one for us. We don’t get to have the right one that is out there as in there is ONLY one right one. But we get the one that is the “right one at the right time” because seriously you could meet a lot of right ones. But it has to be the right time for both of you. You could meet a person and be ready and they aren’t or you aren’t and they are. But if you aren’t in that place you aren’t going to get yours wish list.

The whole wish list thing is stupid too. Who is really going to fulfill all our greatest dreams and desires in one person? We are marrying a human after all just like us imperfect in so many ways.

As I have gotten older it seems like my list that I lost long time ago would never have worked. Probably when I made it I was in a different place in my life so that list wouldn’t matter now. I have changed my attitudes and beliefs a hundred times. I sure still want some stuff from that list. A Christian sure around my age taller then me. I remember those true. But after all that I don’t want some things on there to be so true.

I am different now then I was a good 10 plus years ago when I made list and planned my wedding. I am different which is good. I am still becoming who I am to be. I will probably always be changing. So when I am ready in a place that is good unless the guy is a millionaire I will probably not met him till I am on my own in my career doing what I love. Not sitting at my butt in my parents house living like a hobbit when I am not out. Owning too much half in storage (maybe less). If I was meant to meet a guy in another state it didn’t happen. I had two states and between those two 4 years. So mr right wasn’t there either.

Maybe one day I will be ready and ask someone to set me up. Or maybe just maybe one day I will meet someone like I am supposed to. The right time right person. I just pray I still can have kids and stuff but at this point its all up in the air. My life isn’t planned out in a neat little book. Only God knows all the stuff I don’t and that is okay it is. I don’t want to know that far ahead. And the guy I marry I will be ready for and will love me for all I am and all I will be.

Did you forget about being single once too?

I was just thinking about this. I am single. I have always been single. So I know what its like to be single and have everyone else around me not be. But seriously. I don’t think people who are married with kids think about those who are single like they used to be single. Do they? I mean it. Do they actually go okay I am not single anymore. I did something right with my life. Things fell into place so its great. This is how its supposed to be.

They forget that once they were single too. They once didn’t have a special someone a family kids. Things that they once have. I think my perspective on others issues might prove that when I am finally NOT single I will be like I remember what it was like to be single. Because I will still recall it. And anyone else who might still be.

I am a big past believer. I love to live in the past. Dwell in it even. I shouldn’t of course. But so I remember what it was like to work places, live places, have different lives. It dawns on me sometimes that I have say a job now that I didn’t have last month at this time. Last month I was hopeless. I hadn’t worked in 1 year and nearly 3 months. So I look back now and I am like wow I remember not having a job and how much it sucked.

I just wish case in point that those who are married with kids and stuff. They would sometimes remember what it was like to be single. And maybe if they think deeply like I do remind themselves how they got to get to the point they are at in life. How they got to you know not be single. How things worked out for them. Because sadly for people like me who are still single it isn’t so easy. Life doesn’t just fall into place for everyone…so that is how it used to be for them and me too…