Facing reality: 36 in less than 1 month

Life is funny. You go are going along and then BAM it hits you. I am older I am WAY older.

Focus on this one: In 1996 around THIS time so that would be 9 years ago. I handed my crush for over a year a letter. It was 2 pages HAND WRITTEN. This was the days before internet, emails and facebook. This was real life. I handed him a letter I had neatly re-printed two pages front & back describing in DETAIL all the things I liked about him. I focused on every detail I could within clean reason. My cousin who was like my editor and cheerleader told me not to mention his hands being tiny because guys would not like me to associate that. Looking back she had a dirty mind and I know what she meant but back then I was a bit more innocent and did not get why his hands being small should matter.

Where is he 9 years later? Last I checked his FB he wont add me I haven't tried to add since Myspace before Facebook when he didn't add me. He is up the coast the west coast. Unmarried. Left his Christian beliefs to be a free thinker and I think he smokes again. He lost weight last I saw and is still without a one. That could be me with him up there. Ha.

At the time that letter didn't mean for me to marry him. Frankly I wanted a boyfriend. I was really in love with this guy. I loved him for 3 full years and then some. After high school in college even some till God broke me of him when I asked. And I stopped liking him. I didn't do that till I was ready.

Now a days when I like a guy I just like him till I grow sick of him. And if THAT doesn't happen then I will end up crushing/loving/the same guy for 15 years like my last one. I finally just found a way to get rid of him.

Like another guy. Yup. Me? Like someone else? My silly heart thought it would find a new love. This is an attraction I have clarified this on my LJ account but liking someone/crushing, loving and attraction while nice together aren't always so.

So I am facing my 36th birthday on Dec 20th. And liking this guy who is way nothing like I normally like. From the fact he is 10 years younger than me, has so many things I would never see attractive before to well the insanity.

I'd like to say this much: the heart knows what it wants. I think my heart wants him.

That doesn't mean anything btw. Because liking someone proof in my last guy is nothing if they don't care for you like that. Although I am 100% positive my last that I finally am letting go did like me at one point but he began letting me go for dumb reasons almost 10 years ago in 2006.

Guys are stupid. But dang it we girls like them and we don't care. And the heart care. Our brain thankfully does not always work well with the heart. I am glad sometimes and sometimes not.

Especially when it doesn't make sense. And sometimes it doesn't.

So facing 36 still single makes me depressed. Even as my mom reminds me she got pregnant the last time when she was my age. Thanks mom 36 pregnant with 3rd kid me having no boyfriend EVER and nowhere near kids if I am having them is really not my cup of tea.

Gray hairs and wrinkles achy bones, and broken hearts. And one crazy attraction. This is what I face in a month...

How is life treating you?

Maybe I wasn't ready and maybe I still am not...

I want to get married and not be single. I want it badly. But honestly am I ready for that? All that?

Back in college I would have bet a million dollars I was ready to get married. I thought I was. I had read the books I had planned the wedding. I had a job I was going to college with a career in mind. I was right with God. Everything to fall in place right? WRONG!

I think looking back that people who say the reason they got married when they did and trying to say that works for everyone is wrong. It’s the same thing for Christian stuff. Saying God worked this way because I did this and that. Really I think everyone is different. And that includes timing on things like marriage and kids. Things that might happen early for some don’t happen that way for others.

My mom was my only example as a teen. I didn’t have anyone else and her ways I thought would work. Tell God the age I wanted to get married by make a wish list of what I want in a husband and God will POOF make him happen. What is God a granting wish guy from a lamp? Is God my fairy godmother 3 wishes? No God isn’t like that.

What my mom didn’t tell me was that there are several people out there that will be the one for us. We don’t get to have the right one that is out there as in there is ONLY one right one. But we get the one that is the “right one at the right time” because seriously you could meet a lot of right ones. But it has to be the right time for both of you. You could meet a person and be ready and they aren’t or you aren’t and they are. But if you aren’t in that place you aren’t going to get yours wish list.

The whole wish list thing is stupid too. Who is really going to fulfill all our greatest dreams and desires in one person? We are marrying a human after all just like us imperfect in so many ways.

As I have gotten older it seems like my list that I lost long time ago would never have worked. Probably when I made it I was in a different place in my life so that list wouldn’t matter now. I have changed my attitudes and beliefs a hundred times. I sure still want some stuff from that list. A Christian sure around my age taller then me. I remember those true. But after all that I don’t want some things on there to be so true.

I am different now then I was a good 10 plus years ago when I made list and planned my wedding. I am different which is good. I am still becoming who I am to be. I will probably always be changing. So when I am ready in a place that is good unless the guy is a millionaire I will probably not met him till I am on my own in my career doing what I love. Not sitting at my butt in my parents house living like a hobbit when I am not out. Owning too much half in storage (maybe less). If I was meant to meet a guy in another state it didn’t happen. I had two states and between those two 4 years. So mr right wasn’t there either.

Maybe one day I will be ready and ask someone to set me up. Or maybe just maybe one day I will meet someone like I am supposed to. The right time right person. I just pray I still can have kids and stuff but at this point its all up in the air. My life isn’t planned out in a neat little book. Only God knows all the stuff I don’t and that is okay it is. I don’t want to know that far ahead. And the guy I marry I will be ready for and will love me for all I am and all I will be.

Did you forget about being single once too?

I was just thinking about this. I am single. I have always been single. So I know what its like to be single and have everyone else around me not be. But seriously. I don’t think people who are married with kids think about those who are single like they used to be single. Do they? I mean it. Do they actually go okay I am not single anymore. I did something right with my life. Things fell into place so its great. This is how its supposed to be.

They forget that once they were single too. They once didn’t have a special someone a family kids. Things that they once have. I think my perspective on others issues might prove that when I am finally NOT single I will be like I remember what it was like to be single. Because I will still recall it. And anyone else who might still be.

I am a big past believer. I love to live in the past. Dwell in it even. I shouldn’t of course. But so I remember what it was like to work places, live places, have different lives. It dawns on me sometimes that I have say a job now that I didn’t have last month at this time. Last month I was hopeless. I hadn’t worked in 1 year and nearly 3 months. So I look back now and I am like wow I remember not having a job and how much it sucked.

I just wish case in point that those who are married with kids and stuff. They would sometimes remember what it was like to be single. And maybe if they think deeply like I do remind themselves how they got to get to the point they are at in life. How they got to you know not be single. How things worked out for them. Because sadly for people like me who are still single it isn’t so easy. Life doesn’t just fall into place for everyone…so that is how it used to be for them and me too…

Not what I thought (single group at church 1 year gone)

So me and my sister both "single girls" decided a year ago in October to try out the Singles Way Fellowship at the OS CC. At first we liked it but it wasnt what I thought.

Maybe my expectations were too high. I went in expecting people of all ages and what I got was most people are way older then me 40's or more. In fact I have been to meetings almost every month since we began (skipping Nov & Dec & this year skipping July & Aug) and I have yet to see a lot of people MY age. I am not young I am not old I am inbetween.

Now I didnt go to "find the one" (although I thought it might happen with the first meeting and then I didnt anymore when I came back again 2 months later). I thought it would be fellowshipping with singles out there and seeing what there was to do. But I havent found that yet. I just find people who are older way older then me, most of them girls/gals, and most are single and happy.

I guess that could be my problem. I am single and not happy. I am not content on being single I want to be out there dating I want to be married. I am not okay. I guess also it could be we dont go to church at CCOS anymore we go to another church. Trying to currently connect with others like us at the new church isnt easy. Not a lot of churches have singles groups. It seems so far only CC do and we are not associated with them anymore. Breaking away from them was easy having moved to TN then AZ and not finding any CC love we kinda left them for other churches and found we liked it better. So the SWF here at CCOS is like going to CCOS the teachings we dont agree with.

Doesnt help we both have ADD get bored at the studies and two months ago agreed we mostly come for the free coffee & food after. I dont even get much out of the studies. We also both work in retail part time and since we dont have real jobs its not easy. Top off with I'm not into Christian music anymore and so on...

Dont get me wrong. I want to maybe do some stuff with the group movies, hikes at Joshua Tree, the works. If I had a job and stuff. The lunch in's are nice but we've only been able to afford time & money for one so far and felt kinda like we didnt belong since most again people there are in their 40's and about half have been married before some even have kids.

And we are both in our 30's (sister will be in Dec) and have not dated, married, or divorced or even had kids. Guess we just dont fit it.

Hoping soon we can find a group to fit into that is more like us. At least closer to our age would be nice. Maybe I can finally then get my ability to talk to singles especially guys could be helped if we found more singles like us.

Till next time from single land!
==me==

Baby OH BABY!

I have only been to a few weddings in my lifetime so far. I haven been in any. But today was my FIRST experience at a baby shower. The one I attended in April was for a baby that had been born already few months before...not still in the tummy of mommy.

And it kinda sucked. I was very happy for the person having a baby as its my cousin and we are close. We grew up together, her and my sister and my other cousin too (her sister). But at the same time she is a year younger then me, been married 2 years and is seriously happy. I am trying again from this SINGLE point of view to figure out how I am supposed to get to her spot.

After all I am not getting any younger and I sometimes feel I am so low on the bottom with age and kids that its gonna be impossible to have them. You only get so many good years to be able to get pregnant and its WAY easier in your 20's. Your 30's its harder and the closer you get and after you hit the 40's you will be even harder to have them.

I am glad that this baby shower I wasnt the only single gal there. Me and my sister attended a SMALLER shower earlier this year in April (smaller meaning very little people) and we was the only two there without kids or married one either or both. Today there was a few people younger and I was glad. And a few more than just two single. It included my sister, me, my friend and our cousin (and my cousin who was pregnant's) older sister.

This is the conclusion I have cause truly I want to have a baby and I have for sometime now since I was a kid maybe even. That we need to be in the right spot and we will get all we desire but it has to be about Gods good timing. As much as I DESIRE to be a mom WITH ALL MY HEART I am just not in such a place to be it right now. I am not making much money, I am not in my career, I am not living on my own, I am not married (important BIG one!). How I get to that place I guess in the end is up to God. Its not up to me or anyone else. I cant make a list and check it twice on a husband, I cant do much of anything. I can be silly and read baby books, plan fake weddings, day dream and hope that it will come true.

But having kids will always be one of my top THREE life goals: Career I love, Husband, Kids. Its right there written in the stars, my heart and my life. Just being single right now and NO WHERE near that goal just kinda breaks my heart no matter how happy I am for the person having a baby its just not easy when it isnt you.

That is all.

I wish I had those kinda problems

You dont know how good you have it till you dont. Isnt that a popular saying? I was just talking to a good friend today who recently got married. She told me that she sees less of her now husband then she did when they were dating and got engaged. Though she doesnt regret marriage she says "we got married to see each other less??". And I sat there thinking well you got it good still.

I wish I had that problem. My problem being I see less of the person I married. Its even harder when you got noone to see less. No boyfriend, no fiance, no husband. I want those kinda problems.

She isnt having kids anytime soon but of course her now husband and her talked about it before marriage. I find that a good way to go. When she said babies I got all sad inside cause I want babies. I want to be married. It just doesnt seem fair to not have either of these things.

This is one of those times as a single person I want to turn away and pretend that I am not sad but deepwithin I am so sad I cant even talk about it. Its pretty pathetic I'm sure to be like this but what can I say? Never married, in my now 30's and no where near it makes me not a happy person indeed.

So I wish I had those marriage problems. Moving into together, babies, seeing or not seeing each other. The only one I dont see often enough is my pets and those are my kids of course and they are all I got in that kinda area.

Sad isnt it?